I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
