I am in a vortex of obligation.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
