Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
