Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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