I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
