I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
