We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Randomize
