So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
