we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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