i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
