Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
