seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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