It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
