It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
