Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
