Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
