remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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