If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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