I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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