plz talk dirty to me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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