new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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