I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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