By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
