I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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