Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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