i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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