You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
