I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
