My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
