I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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