Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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