I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
