The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
