Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
