I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Shame - the story of my life.
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