every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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