I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
