I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
