I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
