oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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