the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
