Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
