I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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