This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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