Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
