After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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