I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
