we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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