did you get engaged???
thus making me awesome and them whores
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
