I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
