apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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